Fufilling the Calling

Ok, so I haven't blogged in quite some time.  I think it's difficult for me to sit down and type out all the thoughts in my head in a way that is logical for others to follow, haha.  I will attempt to change that starting now. 

Well, college is over.  It amazes me how fast my undergrad went.  There were so many days (and nights) where I wondered, "How will all of this get done?"  "Where is this all going to lead?"  I have found the answers (somewhat).  I'm now a music educator at NWMS!  I teach grades 6-8, band, orchestra, and "Exploratory Music."  It's been a blast so far, despite going home exhausted almost every evening.  It's a good sort of exhausted - the kind that lets me know I'm doing something beneficial.  The school is wonderful, filled with hard working students and faculty.  I'm lucky to be a part of such a high achieving school.  Likewise, the music programs here are very strong and the students enjoy making music.  Since I student taught here last semester, it's been an easier adjustment.  A big change was teaching Exploratory Music to two sixth grade classes.  I have never taught a general music class.  I knew that these students would need something more than what was offered in their elementary general music classes.  So I've had fun coming up with my own curriculum and diving into some deeper aspects of music with the students!  Being a teacher is such an amazing job.  Not only do I get to talk about and do what I love everyday, I get to continue to learn about my passion of music.  The kids teach me about music through the way they play music, listen to music, and talk about music.  Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of frustrating moments.  But when I here my 8th grade orchestra class playing a piece with extreme dynamics, or see the complete joy of my sixth graders' faces when they play "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on their flute, I can't help but smile. 

I have always felt like I received a gift when I was allowed to participate in band and learn how to play an instrument.  My parents fostered that love and talent that I had for music.  I took every opportunity I could to help me grow in music.  Plus it was just fun!  My fondest memories throughout school were those in band and the people that were in band with me.  I thought back then, as I do now, wouldn't it be great if everyone got this experience?  That's where teaching comes in.  When you teach, you give a gift to someone.  I get to give my students the gift of music everyday.  Woah.  I know that everyone who teaches understands this feeling.  Even as I write this, it amazes me how powerful that is.  I have felt my entire life, a calling to teach.  At first I thought it was history.  At one point, I even considered science.  But music has always won out because it is my first love.  I believe God has made this path for me.  Everything that has happened in my life thus far has been a clear path towards music education.  I was able to have extra musical opportunities, music lessons, acceptance to a fabulous school of music, the best education, the NC Teaching Fellows Scholarship, and an abundance of teaching experiences that helped to nourish my love for teaching and confirm my calling.  I do believe this is a calling.  Things don't just work out the way they have by accident.  God has given me this purpose and I feel great responsibility to live up to the potential He has given me. 

I know this post probably sounds like a bunch of cliche "I love music, that's why I teach it," but I was just thinking tonight about how wonderful my life is now because I get to do this everyday.  The path is not always roses though.  I've had my share of difficult times and questioned myself was this the right choice.  But there are so many good days and moments that make me see, wow, this does make a difference for somebody.  I don't care how cliche it is, music is so powerful.  It's done amazing things for me my whole life.  Now I get to see it become a part of my students lives. 

Just some gratitude I'm feeling on this first chilly night in October :).  I hope to remember all that is good when I feel like things aren't going great.  Life is good.  Find what is good in your life at this moment and rest assure that it will lead you to happiness!

Introspective Lunch

I'm sitting outside the School of Music underneath the Organ Hall eating lunch. I can't describe the stillness that is around. Last night was completely opposite with the intense thunderstorm we had. The lightning was constant and the thunder absolutely booming. Sitting here alone eating, I realized how much of my days are spent by myself with my own thoughts. Now if anybody knows me, they know that I like to be with other people - well, it has to be the right people. Even if we're not actively doing something or talking about something, I feel safe with other people around. I'm not much one for being alone or going to do things on my own.

The famous Greta Garbo always "vaunted to be alone!"

But this semester has been mostly that. I am alone during practice (I mean, that's the way it should be, haha), most meals, breaks between class, and in the evenings doing homework. With Drew in Iowa, family at home, and friends busy with their own activities, I've found myself in solitude more than I ever have been. But I'm actually learning to appreciate the time I have to myself. I don't have to worry about impressing someone, I can have my own opinions, I can dream about the future. I'm learning to be happy by myself which is a pretty major feat for me. At the end of last school year, I couldn't imagine being content with so much time alone. However, now I feel that the time alone is helping me grow as a person. I've especially seen this in the practice room. While in previous years I've hated locking myself in a room to practice alone, I now have discovered what can be accomplished being alone and truly enveloping yourself into the moment. In my case it's my music. I take all the feelings that I can't really share with others and let them guide my phrases. I've definitely seen an improvement in my focus and my playing.

So maybe this alone thing isn't so bad after all. That's not to say I want to be alone from now on all the time, forever and ever. I actually get to see Drew in less than 10 days now and I'm so excited! He is one of the few people that I truly feel myself around and can say anything to (which is good, seeing as he is my boyfriend :D). It's just good to know that I can be happy when alone and appreciative of what it has to offer to me.

"It don't matter what'll come to be, our love is all we need to make it through"

"When you love someone, they're a part of you. It's like you're attached by this invisible tether and no matter how far away you are, you can always feel them."

That was part of Sue's speech during her sister's funeral on last night's Glee episode. It was really heart touching to hear the words. It made me think a lot about the ones I love....those with me in the flesh and those who have moved on to a better place.

But my pumpkin's blog and our conversation this morning got me to thinking about it more. About my love for him. Sorry if no one wants to hear this....but I'm mainly writing this for him :). I remember it only took a few conversations with him to make me feel like I was tethered to him. I've never felt that way about anyone else. He makes me feel like no one else has. I look into his eyes and it's like everything else disappears. He's only looking at me, only thinking about me, and I feel myself melt.

I'm pretty sure he knows my love for him :). We tell each other everyday in different ways. The reason I'm writing this blog is because after this summer, he is moving away to Iowa. I've cried a lot thinking about how he won't be just a few minutes drive away, how I won't be able to hold his hand, hug him, or kiss him whenever I want. We won't even be in the same time zone. And I know he feels the same way. We constantly get asked by people, "What are you two going to do when Drew goes to Iowa?" People don't put faith in long distance relationships. But I'm not putting my faith in a long distance relationship. I'm putting my faith and my love in Drew and our love. It doesn't matter where he is. Just like that statement in Glee, we attached by an invisible tether, and even when I can't be with him, he's always there. I can always feel him in my heart.

I know my pumpkin stays strong about this for me. But I know he's feeling the same worry and sadness about leaving. And he has much more to worry about than I do. I wanted to write this out for him to read, to remind him that no matter what, I'm going to be here for him. We've already planned out ways we will stay connected to each other during this absence (and I have a few surprises planned :D). I have no doubts about our relationship. I look forward as using this as a way to strengthen our love and our relationship. God placed us together, and something inside me just tells me this is for real. I love Drew with all my heart.

I'll close with an anonymous quote that perfectly describes my love for Drew:

"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak in the knees when they walk into a room and smile at you."

Who's first in your life?

Yes, it's been forever since I've updated! This past semester was challenging, not only just with school work, but other personal issues as well. I've learned a lot about myself, and for some reason, I woke up today reflecting about how I acted and felt last semester and how I need to act and feel in the future.

As a Christian, God is constantly on my mind (well, most of the time) and He is my go to man for conversation. No matter what, he's always there to hear me complain. Not saying that there's no one else who would do that.....it's just He already knows what I'm going to say (so sometimes it's easier). I got to thinking this morning, just because I talk to God and tell Him my problems and ask that His will be done, do I really want His will to be done - or my will be done.

I tend to put my problems or my desires first in my life, instead of God. This is where my problems occur. I'm a sensitive person who easily gets upset over even the smallest things. I try not to, but sometimes it gets the better of me. This causes me to feel jealous, insecure, angry, and many other terrible feelings. This hurts not only the people around me, but it hurts me inside. It's funny how no matter how much we want to hate or be angry, it really makes you hurt inside. Or at least that's how it is for me. And I admit, I've had these horrible feelings this past semester. But why? I have a wonderful, loving, amazing boyfriend, a loving and supportive family, awesome friends who are always there for me. It happens when I don't put God first in my life. If I only give in to my desires and sin, I've put God anywhere but first in my life. That's not living up to my potential. Until I consistently put God first in my life, I'll feel incomplete and all those horrible feelings I listed above. Perhaps in my prayers instead of just talking about the troubles of my heart that are only of this physical world, I should pray for a closer relationship with Him.

I pray that during this summer I become even closer to God by trusting Him and putting Him first in my life. When school begins in August, I'm going to be faced with several challenges. One of the big ones is Drew moving to Iowa to complete his masters. It's going to be tough not being physically with him, but through prayer (and thankfully technology), we'll make it through! Because we want it to work and we center our relationship around God. A great example of how putting God first leaves you happy and satisfied. I just have to remember that when things get tough and I start missing him. I'm so thankful to have a boyfriend who pushes me to better myself and my relationship with God. Also next year begins my senior year as an undergrad in college. I only have one semester of classes left then it's student teaching! I'm both excited and nervous about this, but again, God first and the rest will follow! This goes with interviewing and getting a job after graduation and being patient for the rest of my future to happen.

So, I ask you today, who's first in your life? If you're not happy or feel dissatisfied, I encourage you to look at what you put first in your life. Who are you living for? If you're feeling this way, all you need is a simple prayer to God. Don't worry....he already knows what you're going to say. He just wants to hear you say it :)

Sneezy

I do not grow weary of the long wait

It has been awhile since I've updated! The semester has been very busy and proven to be challenging in many ways. I'm finally enjoying spring break even though it's not just rest and relaxation. I'll be teaching string students at Peck Elementary tomorrow all by myself which is a wonderful challenge for me! I've also been practicing hard for my recital which is the next weekend after this one.

Today's been a deary day and I've been listening to some opera underneath my warm blanket and just looking out at the grayness. One of my favorite songs from Madame Butterfly came up, "Un bel di, vedremo." I thought I would share the English translation since the words are so beautiful and the story so tragic.

One good day, we will see
Arising a strand of smoke
Over the far horizon on the sea
And then the ship appears
And then the ship is white
It enters into the port, it rumbles its salute.

Do you see it? He is coming!
I don't go down to meet him, not I.
I stay upon the edge of the hill
And I wait along time
but I do not grow weary of the long wait.

And leaving from the crowded city,
A man, a little speck
Climbing the hill.
Who is it? Who is it?
And as he arrives
What will he say? What will he say?
He will call Butterfly from the distance
I without answering
Stay hidden
A little to tease him,
A little as to not die.
At the first meeting,
And then a little troubled
He will call, he will call
"Little one, dear wife
Blossom of orange"
The names he called me at his last coming.
All this will happen,
I promise you this
Hold back your fears -
I with secure faith wait for him.

Mama said there'd be days like this

Today was a trying day. I don't know, for some reason since last night, I've been pretty much in tears. Mood swing? I don't know. Maybe my body just has excess water it needed to get rid of, hahaha. Regardless, it did not help me to feel good today. I hope it goes away by tomorrow. I don't like feeling sad, and I have no reason to feel that way. Maybe it was just a case of winter blues.

I had a dentist appointment today that I didn't know of until my dentist called fifteen minutes after my appointment was supposed to be. After much hassle trying to get it fix, I went on because they would be able to take me. There, they discovered I have a small cavity on one of my left side, bottom back teeth. This is the first cavity I've ever had. I really can't believe this. I take really good care of my teeth for this exact reason. So on the 19th of this month I get to go get my first filling. Joy. Not something to brighten my day.

When I got home, my sister's boyfriend was over. Long story short, he's over every day for almost all day. Maybe I make a bigger deal about this then I should, but I don't think it's too much to ask for to have time at home with just my family. I'm not trying to seem hypocritical, because I know I spend a lot of time with Drew and I would like him to be over as much as Edward is. It just seems like I'm replaced when he is over. I don't mean to sound petty about this. Like I said, maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I just want to be able to be myself in my own home. They take over the tv/downstairs the entire time he's here. So I'm forced to either awkwardly sit down there with them (that's if there's somewhere for me to sit because they take up the entire couch) or stay upstairs like a prisoner. If I'm being ridiculous, someone tell me. To a point, I probably am. I've had a talk with my parents and sister about this, that maybe they could limit the time they spend at our house by either going out more or staying at his house. My parents say that he is over a little too much, but nothing has been done about it. Oh well, I'll be back at school soon and I won't have to endure it, except the weekends I come home, when I know he'll be there.....

I don't like, nor do I want to be a mean person. I feel childish for feeling this way about someone. I like to think that I'm becoming a mature adult and can handle things rationally. I've started to say a prayer to God asking for patience every time I start feeling agitated. I really don't give over my troubles to God as much as I should. I'm stubborn and try to fix things myself and stay stuck in my ways. This never gets me anywhere. God wants me to be a shining light for him. If I act rudely or mean, I'm not a shining light for God. This year, I hope to further strengthen my relationship with God by trusting Him more and giving over my troubles to Him.

I guess this is a good thing about a blog. Whether someone reads this or not, I'm able to get my feelings out. I'm actually feeling a lot better now just typing out what's been going on in my mind all day. I appreciate all the people in my life that listen to me in person anytime I need someone. I'm truly blessed, which is something I should remember the next time I'm feeling down.

Sneezy

Luckily, I called ahead and got a table beside the mayonnaise

Happy New Year! I had the most wonderful New Year, ringing it in with my wonderful boyfriend and his family. We had so much fun together!

I had a great day today getting to see some of my best friends that I met on my Europe trip this past summer! We went to Hanes Mall and shopped around and ate dinner together. It was nice to catch up with what's going on in every one's lives and talk about teaching. And of course all of our hilarious stories from Europe!

I'm a little anxious about the coming semester, but also very excited. I'll be taking 19 credit hours, which I've done before. I'm just worried about getting everything done along with all the teaching I'll be doing next semester. I'll have my internship for MUS 367B and teaching clarinet sectionals at a local HS every Friday. There's also the possibility that I'll be teaching lessons at another HS in Randolph County, and I signed up to teach private lessons through CMENC at a school they are creating to teach at. So busy, busy, busy! But it will be good for me. I've just got to trust that the Lord will bring me through it! Did I mention I also am giving a recital this semester? Scary. Again, I'll get through with God's help.....and a lot of practice!

The new year makes me think a lot about what's coming up. I'm scared about a few things, but I realize God has a plan, regardless of what I want to happen. It's like Drew said in his blog, all we have to do is hand over our lives to God, and he'll take care of us. God won't fulfil His plan for us unless we give ourselves over to Him. That means trusting Him completely, even if we don't understand. God has blessed my life tremendously, all my life. I have no reason to doubt that he will continue to do so.

Well, that's my little ramble for the night. Tomorrow needs to be a productive day so that I'll be ready when school starts back next week. Le sigh. I'm ready to be back for many reasons, but it is always nice to be at home. Anyways, enjoy this funny bunny picture in honor of my haunny baunnies!

Sneezy